COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER: Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING: The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER: We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED: Management won't answer questions

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS: After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS: After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution..

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING, PEOPLE: T...who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT: We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT: Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM: We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT: Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT: We booze it up at company parties, and we'll urine test you at very inopportune times.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED: If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24k-$32k: We'll offer you $22k to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION: You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS: Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED: Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED: Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English, or religion.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat, or ugly you'll be told the position is filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD: You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY: We loooooove brown-nosers.