This edition first broadcast January 30, 2001

EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?
A man in Columbus, Ohio violated the Cardinal rule of the bank robbery game: always pick a bank that actually has money. The would-be thief walked up to the counter of a National City Bank branch, located inside the Big Bear supermarket in Columbus, and said "Give me all your money. I have a gun." The teller shot the man a stunned look and told him "Sir, we don't have any money here." She was right: the supermarket bank branch only offers loan applications, and doesn't cash checks or handle money in any way. The teller backed up her story by opening each of the drawers at the counter to prove there was no money. Hoping to get the man to go away quickly, she said "I have a dollar left over from lunch -- you're welcome to that." "No, that's not good enough," the man grumbled as he turned to leave. Store employees followed the luckless bandit into the store's parking lot, where they wrote down the license number of his getaway car. He was arrested a short time later.

CRIMINAL CAREER GOES DOWN THE TOILET
Another Ohio man robbed a bank recently, then ducked into a nearby drug store after the robbery, where he asked to use the store's restroom. Employees thought it was odd that the man left the store wearing different clothes than when he came in. They checked the restroom and found the toilet overflowing, probably because of the shopping bag with a toy gun and a wad of cash that had been hidden inside the toilet's tank. Believe it or not, about an hour later, the fugitive called the store to ask if his bag and his money were still there. The manager told the man to come on down, promising he would have the bag and the cash wating for him. They were -- and so were the cops, who arrested the suspect without incident.

YOU'RE A DUMB ONE, MR. GRINCH
Brickmasons renovating a building in the historic district of Nachez, Mississippi were startled to find The fully-clothed skeletal remains of a burglar inside the building's chimney. Investigators say the man apparently became trapped 15 years ago while trying to break into a gift shop that once occupied the building. The suspect, who had a long history of burglary on his criminal record, disappeared in 1985. He was identified by the contents of his wallet, which was found in the chimney with the skeleton.

LET'S KEEP IT GOING FOR YOUR HEADLINER - THE BICYCLE BANDIT!
Suspects who confess to their crime are usually either in police custody or on a courtroom witness stand. "The Bicycle Bandit" made his confession from...the stage of a comedy club. The owner of the Comedy Cafe in Macon, Georgia says the man joined the performing comedian onstage, grabbed the mike, and said "I have something on my mind that I want to share with you. I'm the one that's been robbing all the banks in Middle Georgia." The club owner, a former police officer, hustled the man offstage as his staff called police. The man is charged in a trio of robberies, each of which ended with the shotgun-toting suspect riding off on a bicycle.

MAN OPENS CAN OF WHOOP-ASS ON SELF
After gambling big -- and losing big -- at a Wisconsin casino, a man from Minnesotta roughed hinself up in the parking lot, then called police to report he'd been robbed. The man had the bumps and bruises to back up his story, but didn't know someone had been watching him: a security camera in the parking lot had recorded the man beating himself against a light pole, smudging dirt on his cheeks, and -- after checking the damage in his car mirror -- repeating the process till he got just the right "I got robbed" look. After reviewing the tapes, police carted the high-roller off to jail.

HEY LOOK -- 'SHE'S PACKIN' A PAIR OF 38'S!
A 32-year-old female felon was arrested in Denver, Colorado for violating her probation by posing nude with firearms in photos that appeared on the internet. Under the terms of her parole, the woman had been forbidden from possessing any kind of weapons. The pistol-packin' mama's photos, which appeared on several pornographic web sites, clearly showed the electronic ankle bracelet used to monitor her movements while on parole. The violation carries a maximum sentence of ten years in prison. No word on exactly how Denver authorities happened to find the photos.

DUMB PRISON LAWSUIT NEWS
A man sentenced to eight years for paying a hit man to kill two former associates -- and convicted after the "hit man" turned out to be an undercover federal agent -- sued in Boston to have the $11,000 returned to him, since the killings were never carried out. Meanwhile, an Ohio inmate filed a half-million-dollar lawsuit against his former attorney, who was supposed to bribe a judge with $10,000 of the suspect's money to get him a lighter sentence. The man wound up with a sentence almost twice as long as he expected, and now complains that he didn't get his money's worth from the bribe.

HOYT AND DELBERT IN CRIME SPREE?
Two men broke into the service yard of a boat dealer in Kinston, NC by cutting a hole in the store's chain link fence and driving their truck through the hole. they were attempting to steal a 25-year-old aluminum boat on a trailer in the yard. We say "attempting" because when police arrived, they dsicovered the boat in the back of the pickup truck, and the outboard motor in the boat. the men had apparently cut the hole in the fence a little too small, and the trailer's fenders became lodged in the fence when they tried to drive away, launching the boat off the trailer and into the back of the truck. the men also ended up having to flee the crime scene on foot -- cops say when they got out to investigate the problem, the driver locked the keys inside the getaway truck.

A BREAKTHROUGH IN MODERN CRIME
A 35-year-old man was arrested and charged with the burglary of a Pasadena, California, nursing home. Investigators say the suspect broke in and carefully left open a sliding glass door so that he could make a quick escape. An employee of the nursing home came by a few minutes later, found the door open, and closed it. When the thief came back to make his getaway, he slammed into the glass door and shattered it, suffering several serious cuts in the process. Police followed the trail of blood left by the stunned suspect and quickly made an arrest.

A SHOT IN THE DARK
A man in Fargo, North Dakota applied for a permit to carry a handgun, even though he's completely blind. the man argued that he needs the gun because blind people are often the target of robberies. The powers-that-be apparently agreed -- the man got his permit. (This one's technically not a "dumb crook" story yet -- but we'll be watching for it to turn into one very soon.)

EASY, FINGERS - THERE'LL BE PLENTY OF TIME FOR THAT LATER
A 45-year-old man was arrested shortly after robbing a bank in Bridgeport, Connecticut. He was discovered behind the building, where he had taken a quick break from his getaway because he couldn't resist counting the money. (It was $857, in case you were wondering.)

SO MUCH FOR OUR CLEAN GETAWAY
A man and two juvenile accomplices were arrested in Grand Junction, Colorado, and charged with robbing a bank. They had been hiding out successfully until one of the trio sent a pair of his pants to the laundry. Inside one of the pockets was the gang's holdup note. A laundry worker found it and called police.

AND FINALLY...
A group of files stolen from the Internal Affairs division of the baltimore Police Department were recovered recently. Investigators found the missing files in a dumpster behind...a dunkin' donuts store.