This edition first broadcast on March 9, 2000.

HELLO POLICE? I'D LIKE TO REPORT AN IDIOT.
A man in Little Rock, Arkansas needed to make a trip downtown, but had no transportation. Instead of a hiring a cab, the man used a pay phone to call the Little Rock police department to ask if they'd send a car by to give him a ride. The dispatcher politely told the man that acting as a shuttle service was against department policy. But our quick-thinking hero wasn't finished yet. He called police back a few minutes later to report a suspicious person loitering around the phone booth, and gave a description of himself. Apparently, the idea was that once the cops arrived, he could talk them into giving him a ride downtown. The plan worked -- but not quite the way the man planned. He got his ride -- straight to the police station, where he was charged with reporting a false alarm.

WELL...THERE'S ALWAYS THE MISS JAGERMEISTER PAGEANT...
A 21-year-old Arkansas beauty queen who made numerous speeches against alcohol abuse has surrendered her crown after being convicted of...drunken driving. Just a few hours after addressing a local civic club on the dangers of drinking and driving, the Jonesboro, Arkansas woman was observed weaving down a highway. The arresting says the woman's blood alcohol level was well above the state's limit. The now-former Miss Northeast Arkansas may face further charges for allegedly harassing members of the local chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Drivers who were on hand to monitor her trial.

YOU'RE A DUMB ONE, MR. GRINCH
A second-story man in Cincinatti, Ohio tried to break into a bar by shimmying down the chimney. Since the name of this segment is "Dumb Crook News," you can probably guess what happened next -- he got stuck halfway down, and had to be rescued the next morning by police. The plan turned out to have been a complete waste of the burglar's time: the chimney he was shimmying down didn't even open into the inside of the bar. It was connected to the building's water heater.

HOPE IT WAS AN IMPORTAINT NOTE
Lots of people break out of jail, but a woman in Morgantown, WV, may be the first ever to try to break in. Corrections officials had refused to allow the woman to pass a note to an inmate, so she smashed a window at the jail and tried to climb through it. Presumably she's happy now that she's being held there for destruction of property and disorderly conduct.

BIZARRE CRIMINAL STRATEGY OF THE MONTH
Police in Pontiac, Michigan were taking a man to jail on a misdemeanor arrest warrant when he suddenly got loose and broke his handcuffs. The 280-lb. suspect then used the cuffs to cut a hole in his stomach and tried to assault the officers by... throwing his internal organs at them. Even though he was bleeding profusely from his wound, it took seven cops to subdue him and put him in an ambulance. A "psychological evaluation" is pending.

THIEF THROWS A HISSY
A convenience store thief in Albuquerque, New Mexico tried an unusual holdup strategy: instead of using a weapon, he told the clerk that unless she handed over the money, he would hold his breath till he passed out, then sue the store for being injured on the premises. Needless to say, the clerk found this somewhat less than intimidating. When the man realized his tactic wasn't working, he abandoned the robbery attempt and headed for the door -- where he ran right into an off-duty police officer who had stopped by for a cup of coffee.

BAH, HUMBUG
A man in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania was apparently too lazy to take his Christmas tree down to the curb for pickup after the holidays, and threw it out the sixth-floor window of his apartment building instead. Bad idea. The tree hit a power line on the way down, knocking out electricity to 400 customers and putting a portion of Philadelphia's 911 system out of service. The man has been arrested and charged with criminal mischief.

...AND THEY DON'T TAKE AMERICAN EXPRESS
A gun-toting thief accosted a man coming out of a restaurant in Charleston, West Virginia and demanded money. The man told the thief he didn't have any money, but seeing the agitated gunman wasn't going to take no for an answer, the victim finally offered to write him a check. The gunman agreed, telling the man to make the check out to "cash" so he couldn't be identified. The victim told the gunman he would call ahead to his bank, and that if he would show up at 9 oclock the next morning, the money would be waiting. As you may have guessed, when the thief showed up to collect the money, he was met by Charleston police, who arrested him.

THE FALL GUY
A couple in London, England arrived home and became suspicious that something was amiss inside the house. The husband told his wife to wait outside while he investigated. Inside, the husband discovered a burglar in a second-story bedroom. Realizing he was trapped, the burglar made a desperate leap out the window -- landing directly on top of the man's wife waiting outside. The thief gathered his wits and fled the scene, just as the the husband rushed outside to assist his bruised and shaken wife. When the couple arrived at a local hospital emergency room, the wife saw a familiar face -- the burglar who had landed on her a few minutes earlier had come to the same hospital to have his injuries treated. She alerted hospital authorities, who called police to make the arrest.

THE UNDERACHIEVING COUNTERFEITER
A man in Weirton, West Virginia decided to make some easy money and printed up $10,000 in counterfeit bills. Most expert counterfeiters try to pass fake bills at several different locations to avoid suspicion -- but this was definitely not an expert counterfeiter. He bagged the freshly-printed bills into a paper sack, went to his local bank, and tried to deposit the funny money into his personal account. The teller was a bit suspicious -- and became especially suspicious when she noticed that all the bills had the exact same serial number. The cops were called, and the counterfeiter was arrested.

SO I'M ORGANIZED -- IS THAT A CRIME TOO?
After being shot by a pawn shop owner he had tried to rob, a would-be holdup man from Huntsville, Alabama staggered off down the street, forgetting all about his getaway car parked at the curb. Investigators later searched the vehicle and found a "to do" list that included the item, "Rob pawn shop."

YEAH -- THAT'S THE TICKET!
A substitute middle school teacher in Peabody, Massachusetts was fired for telling his students he thought Adolph Hitler was "cool." Asked to explain his remarks, the unidentified teacher said he meant that since Hitler was dead, his body would be cold.

FINE FEATHERED FELONY
An unhappy husband in Madrid, Spain was convicted of attempting to murder his wife with...a talking bird. The man trained the couple's bird to constantly repeat the phrases, "End it all" and "Life is not worth living" whenever his wife was around. The bird was even brought in to court to "perform" for the judge. After hearing the bird's testimony, the judge and jury sent the man to prison.

FREEZE, MOTHER STICKERS -- THIS IS A...
A daring group of thugs burst into Mr. D's Tavern in Las Vegas, Nevada and announced they were robbing the joint. Unfortunately for them, the house band at Mr. D's is a combo called "Pigs In A Blanket," made up entirely of off-duty police officers. After a brief intermission (and a quick arrest), the band came back onstage to finish their second set.

AND FINALLY...
A pair of carjackers approached a woman waiting in line at a gas station in Rome, Italy, forced her out of her car, and sped away in it. Italian police caught up with the thieves a short distance later, just after the car they had stolen from the gas station...ran out of gas.