|As heard on the John Boy & Billy Big Show: real, true stories of real dumb crooks, gleaned from newspapers, wire services, and web pages around the world.
This edition first broadcast June 28, 2001
THE GROUCH VS. THE COOKIE MONSTER
A Langhorne, Pennsylvania father was arrested at "Sesame Place" -- a Sesame Street theme park -- after allegedly assaulting the Cookie Monster. The man claims his daughter was getting pushed around by others while waiting to get a photo with the character, and that Cookie Monster agressively put a big blue paw on his daughter's head and shoved her. The 21-year-old park employee in the costume suffered bruised ribs and a cervical sprain after the man knocked her to the ground and kicked her in the head and back. The suspect is free on $20,000 bail, and faces charges of assault, harassment, and disorderly conduct.
A HARD LUCK STORY
A New York City man told police the trouble all started when his wife rejected his passionate advances after he had taken a dose of the anti-impotence drug Viagara. But the rejection was more than just a simple case of "not tonight, I've got a headache." The husband claims his wife, a 55-year-old high school teacher, put a pillow on top of him and sat on him with her full body weight until he was unable to breathe. After a brief struggle, the man was able to free himself, but his wife attacked again the next morning, attempting to strangle him with her bare hands. The husband suffered no serious injuries, but he's still filed an attempted murder charge against his wife, who faces up to 25 years in prison if convicted.
FREEZE PAL -- AND DROP THE CHALUPA!
A Fort Worth, Texas man rode his bicycle to the take-out window at a local Taco Bell and demanded money. "And while you're at it, Make me a Chalupa," he added. So while One employee handed over the cash and went to work on the man's order, another made a quick call to the cops. The bicycle bandit was still waiting in line for his chalupa when police arrived to arrest him.
BAD DOG BAD DOG -- WHATCHA GONNA DO?
After Knox County, Tennessee deputies pulled over a motor home for running a red light, their drug dog Falco signalled that he smelled dope. The officers searched the vehicle and found 560 pounds of marijuana hidden inside. But the charges against the motor home's occupants were later dismissed because...the drug dog's track record just wasn't good enough. It seems that Falco has only sniffed out contraband successfully in an average of one out of three cases during his career with the Knox County K-9 unit. The defendant's attorney argued that's not good enough to establish probable cause for searching the defendant's vehicle. Believe it or not, the judge agreed, and even though the two suspects had already confessed to the crime, the case was dismissed.
POST OFFICE EMPLOYEE GOES UN-POSTAL
Tired of all that junk mail? So is the mailman. Postal inspectors in Des Plaines, Illinois say a local mail carrier just couldn't find time to deliver it all -- so he didn't bother. The man was questioned after a van full of undelivered mail was found blocking an alley near his house. The van contained over 13,000 pieces of bulk mail and magazines, plus 1700 pieces of first-class mail. The postal worker told investigators he had been storing the mail for over a year to save time while doing his job.
C.W. MCCALL'S BACK IN THE NEWS
A naked truck driver was arrested at the T.A. Truck Stop off Interstate 20 in Russell, Alabama, and charged with indecent exposure, disturbing a business, and disorderly conduct. "He had no clothes on, not even shoes or socks," said Sheriff Billy Sollie. The naked trucker was charged with damaging property in the store, including several televison monitors. What triggered the jaybird's rampage? said the Sheriff: "It appears he may have taken excessive amounts of Unisom."
THE PSYCHIC FELONS NETWORK
A 22-year-old Savannah, Georgia man showed up at the Tybee Island police department recently and asked to talk about an arrest. When the police asked when he was arrested, the man told them "any minute now." He explained to an investigator that he couldn't afford to lose his job, and that His boss had told him if he missed work, he'd better have a darn good reason. The man said he was just coming off a weekend when he had "gotten real crazy and partied real hard." He'd later called his boss to say he wasn't coming in, because he'd been arrested. when asked what he was about to be arrested for, the man said "marijuana posession," then reached into his pants pocket and pulled out a small stash of pot. After the arrest, the man was able to truthfully back up his cover story, though there's no word on how news of the drug bust went over with the boss.
WAIT TILL INTERNAL AFFAIRS HEARS ABOUT THIS
Police in London are investigating an officer who allegedly farted in a couple's home during a drug raid and failed to apologize. Said a Scotland Yard spokesperson: "An allegation has been received that one of the officers broke wind and did not apologize for his action. The complainant felt it was rude and unprofessional." It's not clear exactly what discipline the officer might receive if found guilty.
The club pro at a golf course in Southwest Georgia discovered a $500 Titelist driver missing from the pro shop's inventory and began looking for it. During his search of the clubhouse, the pro found the missing club in the bag of a man who had just finished playing a round on the course. Even though the golf pro was only an amateur detective, it wasn't very hard for him to spot the stolen club -- it still had the price tag on it.