|As heard on the John Boy & Billy Big Show: real, true stories of real dumb crooks, gleaned from newspapers, wire services, and web pages around the world.
This edition first broadcast July 30, 2001
ONLY DOPES USE DOPE
A motorist trying to impress a teen-age girl in another vehicle by lighting up a pot pipe picked the wrong girl, said Volusia County, Florida Sheriff Ben Johnson. That's because the girl was Johnson's 13-year-old daughter. She was in the passenger seat and the sheriff was behind the wheel of the unmarked sport utility vehicle when a man in a Camaro pulled alongside them on U.S. 92 about a mile west of Interstate 95. "I passed him first and then he caught up with me," Johnson said. "When he got side by side with my daughter, he pulled out this glass pipe and lit up. Finally, I turned on my lights and pulled him over." Johnson said when the man pulled into the parking lot of a gas station, he flung the glass pipe out a car window. It was later retrieved by deputies who responded to the sheriff's call for backup. A small amount of marijuana in a plastic bag also fell from the man's pants pocket when he got out of the car. He's been charged with possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.
FART BANDITS NABBED
Police in Warren County, New Jersey arrested two men who robbed a grocery store after spraying the place with a noxious gas to clear out the store. Police say the spray was a standard gag item -- a can filled with gas designed to mimic the odor of flatulence. "I guess they wanted to have the place to themselves," said the store's assistant manager. The fart spray attack sent one store employee scurrying to a women's restroom as dozens of customers fled outdoors for a breath of fresh air. The manager says store employees had spotted the same men about two weeks earlier carrying what they described as a "fart machine." He said that piece of equipment merely mimicked the sound of flatulence. "They came back and really blasted us this time," he said.
HERE COME DA JUDGE
A longtime city judge from Moulton, Alabama resigned after being arrested on a charge of stealing the caps off 20-ounce bottles of Dr. Pepper, which was conducting a prize giveaway. Police say a manager at a Winn-Dixie supermarket told officers that employees saw the judge removing bottle caps and placing them in his sweat pants. The manager valued the damage at $9.50. The judge, who had served since the 1970s, denied the charges, though he closed his law office and resigned from the bench shortly after his arrest.
I KNOW IT'S A CRIME -- HEY, I'M A CRIMINAL!
A woman in Obion County, Tennessee, in court over several bad check charges, was ordered by the judge to either make restitution or go to jail. The woman became so upset at the prospect of jail time that she decided to pay off the bad checks by robbing a bank. Two of the bank's three tellers recognized the woman and told authorities, who realized she was the same woman who'd been in court that morning. Sherrif's deputies just missed nabbing the woman at the county courthouse, where she had stopped by and used $1200 of the loot from the bank job to pay off the bad check fees. They arrested her at home a short time later.
SOME GUYS NEVER LEARN
A trio of men robbed a pair of banks in central Florida in a stolen car recently. At the scene of the second heist, witnesses told police a very helpful detail: one of the gunmen was wearing an electronic house arrest bracelet around his ankle. The device uses GPS satellite technology to keep tabs on the whereabouts of convicted felons. Using the bracelet, police were able to place the suspect at the scene of both robberies, as well as the place where the trio had stolen their getaway car, and at the suspect's apartment, where he was soon arrested.
DON'T LET YOUR BUTT WRITE A CHECK THE REST OF YOU CAN'T CASH
A burglar broke into a management recruiting office in Lynchburg, Virginia and stole a computer and several other items. For some unknown reason, the thief decided to take a dump in a trash can in the office before leaving. Investigators collected the smelly sample and sent it to the state lab in Roanoke, where technicians discovered two human hairs mixed in with the sample. DNA analysis of the hairs provided a positive match for a suspect in the state's crime database. A Lynchburg police spokesperson credited the first officer on the scene for collecting the crucial bit of evidence that solved the crime. "It was the hair in the feces that solved the case," said one investigator. he credited the first officer on the scene with collecting the crucial bit of evidence, noting "he did a good job. Otherwise we'd have nothing to go on."
RAWK! MY WIFE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME! RAWK!
A Chinese housewife is seeking divorce claiming the family's talking bird dropped clues that her husband was having an affair. The woman says she uncovered the affair when the couple's mynah bird began saying things like "Divorce," "I love you" and "Be patient" after it overheard the husband's telephone calls with his mistress. The woman said she noticed the feathered tattle-tale's strange new vocabulary after she returned from a month-long visit with her parents. She says that the bird became particularly talkative whenever the telephone rang, confirming her suspicions about hubby's hanky-panky. Last week she brought the bird to a law office for consultation, hoping it could testify in court. Lawyers were not optimistic. Said her attorney: "The judges are unlikely to rule against your husband based only on the mynah's words."
DUMB FROG NEWS
An edition of the Naples, Florida daily news arrived two hours late recently, and the paper posted this explanation on their website:
Notice to Readers:
A wayward frog caused a two-hour delay in the Daily News, press run, resulting in the late delivery of today,s newspapers. The frog short-circuited the switching equipment inside a transformer at the paper, shutting down electricity to the computers. We apologize for the inconvenience.
DUMB LAWSUIT NEWS
A former waitress for the Hooters restaurant in Panama City, Florida is suing her ex-employer, saying she was promised a new toyota after winning a beer sales contest. The woman says that after being declared the winner, she was blindfolded and taken into the parking lot. But instead of a toyota, she found she'd won a toy Yoda -- a doll-sized replica of the character from the Star Wars movies. The woman quit her job and is suing the restaurant for the price of a new car.
A Pamela, New York motorist who was more than a little stoned and weaving from lane to lane looked up to find a police car in his rearview mirror. Seized with a major case of paranoia, the man pulled into the driveway of the first house he came to, pretending to be arriving home. His ploy might have worked, except this particular driveway belonged to the home of the very officer who was following him. The suspect was charged with DUI and possession of marijuana.