|As heard on the John Boy & Billy Big Show: real, true stories of real dumb crooks, gleaned from newspapers, wire services, and web pages around the world.
This edition first broadcast on August 28, 2000.
RHYMES WITH "TRUCK"
An Akron, Ohio woman signed a handwritten contract to provide $600 in cash and various sexual favors to a man in exchange for a 1980 pickup truck. Now, she says she held up her end of the bargain, but never got the truck. The woman originally offered to buy the truck for $500 in cash, but the man refused. She says he later came to her house and offered to sell her the truck for $700 -- $300 in cash and $400 in sexual favors. At some point, the amount was changed to $600. The contract even listed specific dollar amounts for various kinds of hanky-panky. The woman also produced two other handwritten notes, one giving her $180 credit for four cartons of cigarettes and two sexual favors, the other giving her $25 credit for one carton of cigarettes. Though the woman says she at first thought the man wasn't serious about the sexual favors part of the contract, she eventually touched him twice (which would be worth about $80 under the agreement). She estimates she has paid the man a total of $212 in cash and cigarettes, and offered to pay $88 more, which she considers the actual selling price of the truck. But the man has so far refused to either return her money or hand over the truck, So she's taking the matter to Ohio small claims court.
LET'S HOPE THERE'S NO REALLY BAD SEQUEL IN THE WORKS
An Edinburgh, England man took his 77-year-old father-in-law to a rugby league playoff game in Scotland, which turned out to be a real-life "Weekend At Bernie's." The man woke up in a hotel the morning after and discovered his father-in-law had died during the night. Glasgow police say the man dressed his dead relative in a suit and tie, pulled a baseball cap over his head, and hauled him aboard a bus bound for home. Once on the bus, the man phoned his wife to tell her that her father was dead, prompting British police to stop the bus and remove the body. No charges were filed.
THE LORD TAKES CARE OF LITTLE KIDS AND DRUNKS. GUESS WHICH ONE THIS GUY WAS.
A Minnesota man who'd been out drinking with his wife has learned to pick on someone his own size after losing a fight with...an oncoming freight train. Said an investigator: "He apparently was mad because the engineer was repeatedly blowing the train's horn." The man stood his ground defiantly, gave the engineer the finger, and was hit by the train, which was traveling at an estimated 50 miles per hour. The man escaped with only minor injuries.
MAJOR SNAFU GOES TO FORT MEADE
A 35-year-old civilian who had apparently promoted himself to the rank of Major dressed up in an Air Force officer's uniform and bluffed his way into Fort Meade, Maryland, where he helped himself to two Chevrolet Blazers, thirty M-16 rifles, and ten M-9 pistols. The bogus major then drove his haul to south-central Pennsylvania, where he helped run a one-week training camp for Civil Air Patrol personnel. The man belonged to the Civil Air Patrol until May, when he says he dropped out because of a bad knee, but kept up his military training through a correspondence school, eventually promoting himself to the rank of Major. A press secretary for the Maryland National Guard says the man has been arrested, and all the stolen weapons have been recovered.
"FIRST OF ALL -- THESE AIN'T MY TEETH!"
An accused double-murderer from Louisiana was arrested in while washing his clothes at a Charleston, West Virginia laundromat. A tipster phoned police about the man, who had been featured in a segment of "America's Most Wanted" earlier this year. Cops say the suspect was easy to spot: he has his initials engraved into his two gold teeth.
UNCHAIN MY HEART. AND MY WRISTS. AND MY ANKLES.
Police in Wellsley, Massachusetts though they'd nabbed an escaped prisoner when they pulled over a man who had been driving down the massachusetts turnpike wearing handcuffs and leg shackles. But the 56-year-old man told the cops he was just "playing prisoner." He explained that he just wanted to see what wearing handcuffs and leg shackles feels like. But once he put them on at his home, he couldn't get them back off, so he decided to seek help at a friend's house 45 miles away. The man actually had the keys to the shackles in the car with him, but couldn't free himself because he was wearing two sets of handcuffs whose keyholes pressed against each other. After unlocking the man's cuffs, police cited him with driving to endanger and impeded operation of a motor vehicle.
NICE GOIN' THERE, CHUG-A-LUG...
A volunteer EMT squad in Amsterdam, Ohio responded to a distress call from the family of a man having severe abdominal distress after accidentally swallowing gasoline. When the ambulance arrived, family members pointed out the victim, who the squad was surprised to see sitting on the porch...smoking a cigarette. When one EMT asked the man how much gasoline he had consumed, he replied "about a quart," explaining that he had been cleaning some engine parts and had accidentally gotten the gasoline jar mixed up with a beer he was drinking. Asked to step into the ambulance for an examination, the man replied "Okay -- can i smoke another cigarette first?" The EMT told the victim that probably wouldn't be a very good idea.
BLIMEY -- THIS BLOKE'S GOT A REAL PROBLEM!
British police couldn't believe their eyes while booking a man for shoplifting from a London department store. The cops say they could only watch in amazement as the man began removing the magnetic letters from the slate board he had been holding up for his mug shot and sticking them in his pocket.
GOOD NEWS, MR. PEROT -- WE FOUND YOUR STOLEN PASSPORT
A Russian criminal trying to sneak across the Ukranian-Slovak border stole a passport and had himself made up to look like the man in the passport photo, complete with a pair of large fake ears. Just as he was passing through customs, the glue holding his disguise on began to come unstuck, and his fake ears began sliding slowly down the sides of his head. The man later blamed his arrest on the "cheap russian glue" he had used to stick on his disguise.
EVER HAVE ONE OF THOSE DAYS?
A crook in Los Angeles stole a Nissan 300ZX and took off, but was quickly spotted by a police officer. As the thief tried to escape, he rear-ended another car and found himself boxed in. He jumped out of the Nissan and tried to steal another car stopped at a nearby traffic light, but the driver hit the gas, dragging the thief along for several yards before brushing him off against a nearby trash can. The cops gathered up the frazzled felon and took him to a local hospital to be treated for various bumps and bruises. The examining doctor assumed the man was on drugs, and asked him "So what did you take?" The man replied "A 300Zx."
Two Peoria, Illinois men pulled a daring gas station holdup and made a quick getaway with an undisclosed amount of cash. The pair didn't get far, though -- they were arrested about four blocks from the gas station after their getaway car...ran out of gas.