This edition first broadcast September 17, 2001

MR. MANNERS ROBS A BANK
A man walked into a bank in Providence, Rhode Island with the intention of robbing the place. Fresh out of jail and unfamiliar with the bank's layout, the suspect made his way to the first window he came to and announced his holdup plans. "Sorry," said a quick-thinking teller, "this is the loan department. The windows with the cash are on the other side of the lobby." The man went politely to the end of the line on the other side of the bank. He was still waiting when police arrived to arrest him.

A LIKELY STORY
A Tampa, Florida man test-driving a new Porsche was stopped and ticketed for driving 60 in a 35-mile per-hour zone. When the man returned to the dealership, he waited for the salesman to get out of the car, then sped away. It wasn't hard for police to track the man down, since he'd just given his address to the cop who wrote him the speeding ticket. The suspect was was arrested and the car was recovered a short time later at the man's home. His explanation: "I didn't steal the car -- i just wanted to make sure it would fit in my garage."

CALGON -- TAKE ME AWAY!
A 25-year-old man was arrested after he broke into a home in Sacramento, California. The burglar had lined up all of the owners goodies by the front door and was ready to go, when he apparently decided to take a bubble bath. When the owner returned, he found his belongings by the door, and the burglar asleep in the tub. Police who arrived a short time later had to wake the suspect up so they could arrest him.

NICE MCJOB, YOU MCIDIOTS
Five men in matching bandanas robbed a McDonalds in Detroit, Michigan recently. During their escape, one gang member pulled the bandana off his head and threw it out the window of the getaway car. Unfortunately for him, the bandana got caught on the car's radio antenna, making a nice flag that attracted the attention of Detroit police, who made a quick arrest.

CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO DUMBLINESS
An alleged drug dealer was arrested in Vero Beach, Florida after he took the wrong bag to the cleaners. When a worker at the store opened the bag he found -- not laundry but -- 3 pounds of marijuana.

LOGICAL DEDUCTION
From a police report in Wauwatosa, Wisconsin: A man who was found in a women's restroom at Mayfair Mall was issued a citation for disorderly conduct. The man admitted to police that he had entered the restroom because he thought it would be, in his words, "a good place to meet women."

YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, YOUR HONOR...
A man facing a lengthy jail sentence for 20 counts of credit card fraud in Arlington, Virginia said the jury should keep him out of prison because if he were locked up, he would just teach other inmates how to committ credit card fraud. "And remember," the man told the jury, "we're trying to prevent crime in America."

JUST A POOR STUDENT WITH A PART-TIME JOB
An Akron, Ohio man was arrested for stealing merchandise from a shopping mall. The man is a graduate student working on a criminal justice degree, and reportedly told the arresting officers "when i get my police job, i won't have to do this anymore."

HARD TO SWALLOW
An Illinois psychiatrist is in trouble after one of his patients complained that during therapy sessions, he convinced her she was a cannibal who "ate human meat loaf." the woman says she eventually realized "there was no way I could come from a little town in Iowa and be eating 2,000 people a year without someone noticing."

LOOKS LIKE AN INSIDE JOB, CHIEF
An employee of Arizona State University in Phoenix was arrested and charged with stealing money from a campus office. She has been charged with breaking and entering, burglary, and possession of burglary tools. The suspect is the coordinator of crime prevention programs at ASU. She was arrested at her office...which is located at the Phoenix police department.

EXPERIENCE? YEAH -- I GOT LOTS OF EXPERIENCE!
A man in Butte, Montana applied for a job as director of the Montana Department of Corrections, with a resume which included 28 years of experience with the department. He didn't get the job, though. Department officials discovered that his lengthy experience consisted of the 28 years he spent in a Montana prison on a murder conviction.

AND FINALLY...
Two men attempted to shoplift shoes from an athletic store in lincoln, nebraska, but were arrested after a clerk and the store manager ran them down outside. The thieves had definitely picked the wrong target: store manager Rob Finnegan is a world-class Olympic marathon runner, and clerk David Olsen is captain of the University of Nebraska track team.