|As heard on the John Boy & Billy Big Show: real, true stories of real dumb crooks, gleaned from newspapers, wire services, and web pages around the world.
Simon was cited by the sheriff's department for disorderly conduct and fined for a swing that got more attention than any other around the majors Wednesday night.
Simon said he did not deliberately try to knock down the woman, who tumbled to the ground and suffered only a few scrapes during the popular costume race at Milwaukee Brewers (search) games.
"That wasn't my intention in my heart for that to happen," Simon said before Thursday's game. "I was just trying to get a tap at the costume and for her to finish the race."
The 18-year-old woman, Mandy Block, was among four people dressed as an oversized bratwurst, a hot dog and Italian and Polish sausages racing past the Pirates' dugout.
Simon took a half swing at Block, dressed as the Italian sausage, hitting her from behind. When she fell, she knocked over the woman dressed as the hot dog. The two women scraped their knees.
Simon was arrested and booked for misdemeanor battery, and told to show up at the district attorney's office. After Simon and one of the women met with prosecutors Thursday, Deputy District Attorney Jon Reddin said the two women did not think Simon meant to hurt them and "were not interested in having him charged criminally."
"It just seems ridiculous," Block told WTMJ-TV of Milwaukee. "It's like a big sausage getting hit by a bat causes all this controversy. It just seems kind of funny to me.
"It wasn't that big of a blow," Block said. "I think just because I'm so small and it's such a big costume that I tumbled."
Simon, who had said he hoped to apologize to Block before leaving Milwaukee, gave the Brewers two autographed bats for both women who fell.
He said he was just playing around.
"I thought at the moment they were trying to play with us. They were running right next to the players," he said. "I'm a fun player, and I've never hurt anyone in my life."
After the incident, Simon drew boos when he was used as a pinch-hitter in the seventh inning. He grounded out in the only playing time he saw.
The Pirates issued a statement saying they do not condone Simon's behavior and will address the issue internally. Simon was not in the starting lineup Thursday.
Rick Schlesinger, Brewers executive vice president for business operations, said Simon's conduct was unjustified.
"This is one of the most outrageous things I've ever seen inside a ballpark or outside a ballpark," he said. "It sickened me to see it."
On Thursday, four new people were inside the costumes, and Pirates players moved into the dugout and away from the field during the race.
"They're rounding the Pirates dugout -- they've made it safely," said Robb Edwards, the Brewers announcer, to the wild cheers of fans on their feet.
Fittingly, the Italian sausage won.