Dear John Boy & Billy:

Howdy from prison!

My name is Allen and I'm currently an inmate with the Alabama Department of Corrections. I listen to you show every morning on 96.1 The Rocket out of Mobile, Alabama on the Gulf Coast. (I guess you could say I'm part of your "captive" audience.) I'm writing to ask you for help with something that you may find a little unusual...but could have a lot of fun with at the same time.

I'm currently serving a 3-year sentence for fraud, with a little more than a year to go before I'm a free man again. The reason I'm in prison for fraud is that I was involved with a former business partner and let my greed overcome my intelligence. (I believe I've learned my lesson, so that's not what I need your help with.)

Here's the deal: I'm 38 years old, and I'll be 39 when I get out. I'm single, and don't plan to get married for another 6 to 10 years, but I would like to have a son -- someone to carry on my name, since I'm the last person in my family. What I'd like to do is hire a woman to be a surrogate mother for me and have my child. If I can find the right woman to do this, I would pay her the sum of $100,000 -- yes, one hundred thousand dollars -- plus all necessary expenses. (This would not take place until after I am out of prison.)

Here are a few guidelines for any and all women who might be interested: all applicants must be between the ages of 18 and 32, attractive, and willing to relocate to the Birmingham area for the duration of the pregnancy -- with all expenses paid, like I said. Education and employment status are not importaint. It doesn't matter if she's already had children, but she must currently be single, divorced, or widowed (no married women are allowed to apply). The woman can chose to be artificially inseminated, or it can be done the old fashioned way (if you know what I mean). That's it as far as the requirements for any and all women who would like to apply for this position.

Now, so the potential candidates can know about me and what they're dealing with, I'll tell you a little about myself. I'm 6-foot-6, weight 206 pounds, with brown hair and blue eyes. A lot of people (and I mean a LOT) have told me that I look like Dennis Weaver, the actor who played McCloud on TV back in the 70s. I hold college degrees in economics and business administration, and when I'm not in prison, I work as a business and financial consultant and analyst and part-time broker, and have done this kind of work for many years. I am very "well off" and financially secure, and emotionally stable and all that. I own a nice home in Birmingham, and am easy to get along with. I should say to any woman that would like to fill this position that I most definitely can afford to pay her a hundred thousand dollars plus expenses. The money would be no problem whatsoever and it IS mine legally.

What I would like to ask you to do is read this letter on the air and if you have a few spare moments to take some phone calls from some of your female listeners and see if they would be interested in what I am offering with this and what they think about it. Please give my name and address out over the air and tell all women who want to apply that they MUST send me a letter telling me all about themselves and why I should choose them to have a baby for me. They MUST include a PHOTOGRAPH of themselves. Please note that a photograph is required with all letters, and that all photos must be taken with a 35-millimeter camera or a 110 or portrait or whatever, but they CANNOT be Polaroid instamatic photos because that is a policy here (and don't ask me why). All letters will be answered by me personally.

After going through this process and everything is basically done or agreed to or whatever, I would send you a letter letting you know how everything came out.

I would like to say thanks for your time and help with this and look forward to hearing this letter on your show and hey -- let's have some fun with this, okay? I would also like to give all your listeners some advice, and that is: it is never a good idea to bilk a bunch of investors out of a bunch of money, especially when one of them turns out to be a district attorney -- nuff said.

One last thing -- if you do read my letter on the air, adfter you are finished could you play my theme song, which is "Rock You Like A Hurricane" by the Scorpions. Thanks a million and OWAOWAOWAH!

Sincerely,

(Allen)

MR. TAYLOR RESPONDS

Mornin there John Boy...mornin' Billy. Gotcha another good'un there didja?

This deal puts me in mind of somethin' that happened to me 'bout 35 years ago:

My Aunt Bee -- Lord rest her soul -- bought this here second-hand freezer from a feller...and filled that thing slap up with meat from the butcher shop. Wellsir...that freezer had some age on it...and it wasn't too long after that it commenced to smokin and sparkin' and jumpin around on the back porch. 'Fore you know it...the dadburn thing conked out on us. I told her to call the man...but she never did.

Well...it was a right hot day...and when the freezer quit workin...that meat started warmin' up. Now, if you don't keep meat cold...it'll start to go over on you. Don't take long before it gets a kindly sickly sweet aroma to it. And that's what happened to the meat in Aunt Bee's freezer. We ended up havin' to throw out over a hundred pounds of that stuff right in the garbage. Yessir we did.

But you know what? As bad as that meat got to smellin' when that freezer quit workin...and believe me, it got mighty bad...it wasn't nothin' compared to the smell comin' off the story in this here letter.

So what we got here is a feller who's heard his biological clock a-tickin. I didn't know it till just now...but apparently men has got one too.

Anyways, this boy wants to raise him up a young'un to carry on the family name. Fact is, he's willin' to make a right generous financial offer to the girlie that'll help him out with his little project.

But wait...there's a funny little twist right about here. The prospective poppa had a little stretch where his greed run all up over his intelligence. Turns out he's in jail right now. On a 3-year sentence. For fraud.

If you don't know what "fraud" means...pull out the dictionary and look it up. And while you're at it...flip on over a few pages and look up the word "irony."

If my buddy Gomer Pyle was here right now, he'd say "put this bucket on your head and have you a think under there."

Now I don't know ol' Allen. Probably a nice enough feller. But seems to me he might not have a whole lot of time for raisin' a young'un...what with him bein a business AND financial consultant. That sounds like it might eat up a mess of your day...specially when you throw all that analyst work and part-time brokerin and such.

A feller in Allen's line of work has him a computer don'tcha reckon? Allen...if I was you...what I'd do is get hooked up to that America On-Line service. Spend some time in one of them "chat rooms." You'd prob'ly meet a whole buncha girlies that'd just jump all over a offer like that.

But be careful. I hear tell that America On-Line can get tricky. You might think you're a-chattin' with some bosomy 22-year-old super model...come to find out it's really a 13 year-old boy with bad skin wearin' one of them ballcaps with a pitcher of that ugly girl Marilyn Manson on it.

That ain't right is it? That's dishonest ain't it. Why...that borders on bein'...fraud.

Allen...I'm just funnin' ya. You hang in there. 39 ain't zactly ready for the nursin' home. Dont you worry -- once you get outta jail...you'll find somebody that'll rock you like a hurricane before you know it. And if you really do look like ol' Dennis Weaver, why I reckon y'all will squeeze off some right purty children.

John Boy & Billy? Ain't y'all got enough to do keepin' your own relationships from blowin up without gettin' into the love brokerin' business? Leave that stuff to the people on them 1-900 hotlines. In other words...

Y'all act like you got some smarts.